Early on in life I understood what beauty was. It was gifted to me in my artistic ways of appreciation. I appreciated every sunset. How the little droplets of morning dew and how they glowed early in the morning. How my street would steam after a hot summer’s rain. Beauty is everywhere and in every form.

As I got older this idea grew more complex. While dealing with body dysmorphia (a psychological ailment where your body image is illogically skewed as to how it actually looks). I would look around and start to compare myself to other girls. After awhile and quite a bit of therapy later, the body dysmorphia was no longer an issue, but I didn’t stop looking at other girls. I was no longer comparing, I was appreciating.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 to my first boyfriend. I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Looking back now, I know that I was way too young and should have waited. As they say, hindsight is always 20/20. After that relationship ended disastrously I had sworn off men. I was turned off from men, but I was still looking at these girls around me. I was envious of their bodies, their curves, and their legs. I wasn’t just appreciating anymore. I was turned on. I thought that anything that provoked these deep and powerful feelings had to be beautiful.

I met a lesbian right around then and she introduced me to the world of bi-sexuality. She ended up becoming my first girlfriend. It was wonderful and full of emotions and sensations that I hadn’t felt with a guy before, but like most things in high school, it ended. I didn’t date too much after that. I had a fling with one of my best friends that professed her sexual attraction to me after my new found bi-sexual status. I got fairly promiscuous with men because I just could not find a sense of satisfaction anywhere. I was so confused. Men had the parts that I wanted but women help my appreciation and attention so much more.

We live in a world where we have the freedom choice.

I came to the conclusion in my head that I was neither gay, straight, nor bi. If I had that deep and powerful emotional connection with someone it really doesn’t matter their parts. That’s what I told myself, it sounded profound and was accepted. It was accepted by everyone but me. Am I gay? Am I straight? Is bi- sexuality even a thing or am I just confused? Well, confused is definitely the answer and it definitely didn’t feel beautiful.

I’m an adult now and I haven’t dated a girl since high school. I’ve barely even dated men since high school either. Although I still go out with and sleep with men, I still have this intense attraction for the female body. I am still sexually aroused by women just as much as men, but I’m still confused. Am I supposed to have an answer to this question yet? All the answers that I’ve ever given out haven’t sit right with me. How do I not know the answer to my own sexuality yet? Every time I have a bad date with a man, I swear up and down that I’m going back to dating women, but I don’t know how! How do I flirt with a girl? How do I let her know that I’m into her and how will I know if she’s into me? Sexuality is such a confusing thing. So is beauty, as well as love.

After a while of pondering this thought I came to the realization that you don’t have to understand something that is beautiful. My confusion is such a lovely thing because I’m not trying to stick myself to some standard that is being pushed on me. I’m able to voice my confusion about what I want and that in itself is a wonderful feeling. We live in a world where we have the freedom choice. We can love who we want, sleep with who we want and even marry who we want. Having that choice is the most fascinating part about living in this world today.

Reflection Magazine